We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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