I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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