how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
