I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My cat gives me a boner
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
