i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize