Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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