theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
