Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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