i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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