Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
