I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
