The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
