You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
