some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
