She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
