The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
