You just made me feel so damn special
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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