Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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