You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
