I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
