What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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