You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Is it because I queefed?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
