she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize