god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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