I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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