i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
