There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
