just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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