I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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