Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
