i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I AM VODKA MAN
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
