i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
