Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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