i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
