So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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