Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
