Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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