there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
