If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
