rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
