Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
