your thong is hanging out like whoa
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
