My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
