It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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