High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize