He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
