Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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