I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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