just tell him i said nine months
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
