Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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