Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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