I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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