True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
