i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
