yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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