sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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