im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
