I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
