you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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